Two months ago I decided it was important to write about all of those that are close to me and what I love about them. I started with my oldest sister with all intentions to move my way down the family. I think it would be appropriate today to jump down to my youngest brother, Carlton.





Carlton became quite ill last April after a car accident. He has spent the time since then getting worse. He has been seeking medical attention and trying to find out what the problem is. We have been told different things as to what is causing the illness. Last week an MRI showed some swelling in his brain and is showing an increase in mass in the center of the brain. The doctor felt that it was either an inflammation that can be treated (but life long) or one of two kinds of cancerous brain tumors. It turns out that the car accident was not a cause but just a coincidence.





My dad called me yesterday morning to inform me that the inflammation was not the life long disease. That option has been ruled out and now we are looking at a type of cancerous brain tumor. We spent the evening together as a family last night. Carlton was admitted into the hospital today and we do not know how long he will be there. They are running tests and until we have the results...well we just sit and worry.





So here I blog about a morbid kind of love because I want those in my life to know how much I care about them when they are still here. As my brother's future is unknown, I want to say how much I love him.





I was 11 years old when Carlton was born. He was the youngest of 7 children and was so adorable. :) We smothered him like crazy!!! I remember when he first started talking he couldn't pronounce his name and he would say it like, "Con." We started calling him Con, instead of Carlton. We teased him a lot (in a loving way) and I remember I used to pinch him in sacrament to make him cry. I would them volunteer to take him out in the hall since he was fussy. Thanks Carlton for giving me a little break! :)



Carlton has always been touchy and affectionate. He was such a good cuddler and now is a wonderful hugger. He takes the time to reach out and let you know he cares. Even if it is while I am walking away, he just grabs my hand and squeezes. Carlton has always been great at just blending in and is easy to get along with. Carlton loves his nieces and nephews and that love is very much returned. He is so gentle with the kids. Carlton is always there for you no matter what. Whenever I ask him for a favor he doesn't hesitate he just does it. Last week I called him on a Saturday morning to see if I could come get my car washed at his work. He had to go home because he was sick again. After I hung up, he called me back a few minutes later. He said he had called his work and they were expecting me and my car. :) It was so sweet. He was so sick and he still called me in a favor. He always does little acts of kindness and never takes credit for it.





I have so many fun memories of Carlton growing up. I remember him coming up to see me when I was in college. I remember his paper route. I remember the time that Crystalyn gave him a Barney coloring book and he acted so offended. :) I also remember the day I went to college. Carlton and Dayne (my other brother) came along on the drive. I was feeling just fine about this new journey in my life. I got out of the car and saw the tears in both of my parents eyes. I was fine. I turned around and saw Carlton and Dayne crying...I completely lost it.





I love my little brother....I can't imagine if something happened to him. He is in my prayers and my thoughts and hope that he recovers....Love you Carlton!

*The picture above was taken by Crystalyn last night why were all at the house visiting Carlton*

UPDATE (01/31/09)

A week before Christmas and after only three weeks of radiation we recieved wonderful news regarding Carlton's cancer. The cancer was completely gone and he is going to be ok. It truly was a miracle.

Morbid form of Love

I had a hair appointment a few weeks ago and I heard a rather sad story. (my hair turned out fabulous by the way). :) She told me about her nephew who's wife was hit by a car and died within minutes. I have been thinking about that story for the past few weeks and I can't help but wonder a few things. When that time comes for me, do those people in my life know how I feel about them? And I mean really know? A few days ago I was talking to an old friend about it. He told me that he was not on good terms with his dad when his dad passed away and it was really difficult for him.
So it got me thinking...I feel like I want to express to those that I love how I feel about them. I know it may seem a bit morbid, but I would never want to leave this earth without them knowing. But more than that, I would never want to have an existing relationship without them understanding that. Why wait until I am gone? So....this may take me a while and quite a few blogs...but I want to post it. I have a LOT of people in my life that I hold close to my heart. I know...I am so lucky. :) I thought it would be best to start with my family...one by one. This one is for my oldest sister, Crystalyn.

Crystalyn,
You are my ROCK! You really are!
When I was little I wanted so much to be like you. I am sure you remember how much I used to follow you around. :) What I can say is that over the years we have certainly had our ups and our downs, but I feel like we have really come to a great place together.
Sister, I know for a fact that I could not have survived my divorce if it hadn't been for you. I can't imagine how horrible it would have been without you. It seemed like every time I hit rock bottom, there you were helping me up. You always said the right thing and you always seem to understand. It's kind of funny...the worst thing in my life helped me see one of the best things right in front of me.
Crystalyn, you are such a kind and giving person. You are so in tune with others around you. You give the most amazing advice!!! You truly listen. You aren't thinking about what you need to say next, you are listening for understanding. You know when to sit back and just be there and you know when I need to hear your words of wisdom. I truly have grown so much from our talks.
You are such an amazing mother! Your kids...well you know that they mean the world to me. But I am in constant awe at how much you give to them. You spend so much time and energy being the best mom that you can be. But more than that you learn from every day. You move on from those not so perfect moments and make the next moment better. That right there is what makes you a good mom. You get what each of your children need and they are so fortunate to have you!
I love your sense of humor. I love it when it is just us hanging out, or just the sisters and you let lose. You have that fun streak and I love it when it comes out.
Something that I admire about you is that you crave to learn and grow. Your life hasn't stopped because you have kids. You take time to grow as an individual. You have such a talent with photography and I know that you will go far with it.
Of course...you are obviously beautiful inside but you are GORGEOUS outside as well. Your husband lucked out finding the most beautiful firecracker. ;)
Most of all...just when I think you are too perfect you and I have a deep talk about something and I realize that you have some of the same cares in this life that I do.
I love you so much sister! Please always remember that no matter what, my life is better because of you. I have grown as a person, just because I was fortunate enough to have you as a sister...and please don't ever forget that the work you have done as a mother and will continue to do IS making a positive change in this world...

A Date With Thomas

I got to babysit my nephew Thomas tonight. My sister took her other two kids to Lagoon for the day and dropped Thomas off at my Mom's house. I picked him up on my way home from work. I brought him home, got him ready for bed, read some books, sang him some songs and then put him to bed. He was very quiet and mellow tonight. He could not have been more adorable. I can't remember the last time I spent time alone with my little guy. As I was leaving my parent's house my dad gave Thomas one of his business cards. Thomas held it all the way to the car. I was putting him in his car seat and he tried to hand it to me. My hands were a little busy so I put it in my mouth. He started laughing when I did it. Well I got him all bundled up and handed him the card back. You can see from the picture what he did with it. He kept it that way until we got home. What a great night. :)

Sometimes it feels like change is rare or even worse impossible. I myself tend to get overwhelmed easily if the task at hand feels too substantial. Tonight I find myself thinking how much our society has changed. And I am a strong believer that change is good.
This Presidential Election is one that changes history. For the first time, we had a Mormon run. But wait, we also have a Woman running. But wait, we also have an African-American running.

Talk about change.

I feel a sense of reverence as I ponder what is happening.

I grew up being one of a few, if not the only, Mormon in my class. I remember one place we lived, we (meaning me and my brother and sisters) were the only Mormons in the entire school. I spent much of my childhood being made fun of and teased for my beliefs. Before you feel too sorry for me...don't. I grew to really understand what I believed in. I studied it intensely early on and my faith was strong and solid even before I hit Junior High. It made me proud to be a Mormon. I read the Book of Mormon by the time I was 14 and made a daily habit of reading it and The Bible on a daily basis. But none the less, I knew that I was "different" than my classmates. AND I also knew that there was a lot of misunderstandings and stereotypes when it came to Mormons.

It also taught me to appreciate other religions. I began to wonder what others believed in. I remember being 12 and going to a Catholic Mass. It was the first time I had heard about the trinity. I didn't understand....why did my friend believe that God, Jesus and the Spirit were all the same? Didn't she understand they were three separate beings? I became fascinated with other people’s convictions. That wonderful opportunity of being different helped me gain a respect for differences in everybody.

I can’t help but think back to when Mormons were persecuted. I had the amazing opportunity to read my great-great-great ( I don’t know how many greats) grandmother’s actual journal from when she was a pioneer. I read about the Hans Mill Massacre. She lost her husband and most of her children, all because of her beliefs. Her words have never left me….

When I heard that a Mormon was trying to run for President…..wow. I was so excited.. Not only that….but it was a person that I would vote for whether he was Mormon or not. I was so impressed with him during the Olympics….

That ship has sailed though. But not to worry, there is still much change to be made.

I myself am not a Hillary fan. I respect her and how much she has accomplished. I value her drive. But her as a President? PLEASE NO! But I must point out….a woman is running for President. I sit here and let that sink in. A woman….I think back to the time when women were not even allowed to vote. I am beyond grateful to those that fought for that change. Yes, change IS good. I think back to the time that my parents got married. My mother was getting her master’s degree, pretty impressive for that era. She got married and well her place was at home. Please don’t misunderstand that sentence. I admire those that stay at home with their children. I pray for the day that I have children of my own. What I mean by that is it wasn’t exactly the time for a woman to get married and start focusing on advancing her career.

I think of how much growth and happiness I have gained from my career and I am indebted to those who fought for women in the work place. I was raised to go to college, to get an education and to learn as much as I could. I understood a long time ago that knowledge and experience are two of the few things that you take with you into the next life. I think of all of the changes that have been made for women and I can’t help and smile that a woman is running for President. Yes, our society is changing. And then there is Obama. Now while I will admit that I will most likely vote for Obama, I want to be clear that my decision is not final. I am still doing my research. J I like Obama and believe that he would be a wonderful leader and exactly what this country needs. I do disagree with some of his views and that is why I am still studying all of the parties. Ok, disclaimer said.

Obama is what brought all of these thoughts into my head tonight. I can’t grasp it….we have the possibility of an African-American for a president. I believe that there is opposition in all things. And while the world has changed a lot for the bad….it clearly has changed a lot for the better. Yes, change really is good.

It moves me to think about the walls that have come down in the past fifty years. Just think that when my parents were growing up, people of color couldn’t even share the same school. They had to sit in the back of the bus. They were sent to different rest rooms. I wish I could get inside the head of who thought that one up. WHY would somebody honestly think that because the person standing next to them has a different color of skin than them they are somehow less of a person. That is one concept I will never understand.

I also know that I will never understand what it feels like to face racism everyday. Do I know what it is like to be “different” because of my beliefs? You betcha! Do I know what it is like to be a woman in a man’s world? Not as much as women did 35 years ago, but I certainly understand it. But I will never comprehend what it feels like to be treated like I am of less importance because of my skin.

I had an epiphany when I was in college. I went to a seminar on racism. I walked in with the attitude that I wasn’t racist and that I had nothing to learn. I quickly became aware of how wrong I was. I didn’t understand anything yet. I still don’t. It is like when I got a divorce. People would attempt to understand what I was going through but really they had NO clue.

I remember hearing something at that seminar that always stuck with me. Let’s see if I can explain it. Is there something about yourself that you are insecure about? For example, lets say you are overweight. Every time somebody snubs you, rejects you, ignores you, gets angry with you….you can’t help but wonder if it is because they have an issue with your weight. Picture growing up in a society where you are attentive to the fact that there are people that will not like you because of the color off your skin. Some lady drives by you in the parking lot and honks. You don’t know if she honks at you because your cart is a little in the road, if she is honking at somebody else or if she is in fact honking at you because your skin is darker. I realized that night that it isn’t about holding a grudge or having a chip on your shoulder. There is enough racism and discrimination in this world that it is no wonder sometimes that assumption is made.

So back to Obama. It is empowering to think that an African American is running for president. In just 50 years, America has done a 180. I admire a man that has grown up with less opportunities than others and yet has already made the world a better place. I am pleased to be living in a country that is supporting and fighting for Obama to be our next leader.

Yes….change is very good. :)

My new found hobby....photography

So I have never been one to think that I have a knack for taking pictures. I love pictures, I love capturing the moment and I am always the first one to pull out the camera. But my oldest sister and younger brother do have the talent. They both have studied it in college and are known as the family photographers. I have always admired their abilities and been somewhat envious. I have even started paying attention to how they take pictures.
I just got back from a great vacation with my oldest sister and her family. She and I both took a lot of pictures. She started downloading mine on her computer and she mentioned that I took great pictures. I brushed her off but couldn't help and feel honored that SHE would say that. The more pictures I took, the more she complimented my style. Later that night she looked at a bunch of photos on my computer and insisted that I do have a talent with the camera. I explained that I didn't understand anything about lighting or technique. She told me that is all stuff that anybody could learn, but I had a gift for composing.
So....I have decided to explore what I love to do. I have a new goal, starting tomorrow, 03-03-08 I am going to take at least one picture a day. I want to capture my life, learn to appreciate what is around me and practice taking pictures. I can't wait to learn more! I am even going to look into taking a class.
I attached some of my favorites...

Life's Discoveries

I was in Relief Society and the lesson was on Charity. It was a fantastic lesson and gave me a lot to think about. The main thing I took away from it is that I need to focus more on service. I need to be more aware of small ways that I can serve others on a daily basis. I get too caught up in my life, my schedule, my needs and I sometimes forget to think about those around me. If I spend all of my energy on me, that is such a waste of my life!

What I really wanted to blog about though was something that somebody mentioned in class. She explained that she is an instructor at a hair school and her job requires a lot of patience. I smiled because, well I can relate. :) She explained that they try to take a more positive approach to teaching. When a student makes a mistake they call those mistakes "discoveries". I love it! What a positive way to look at life's mistakes.

Let's face it, we all make them. Some are bigger than others, some are more damaging than others and some leave us with huge regrets. But yes, they are discoveries. That is how we grow. The only way to turn them into discoveries though is to make a conscious effort in processing what has happened. It is important to take the effort to ask yourself what role you played in the situation. Because after all, how else do we discover?

So here I am, ready to "discover" more.....